Falling

I don’t know why I feel this way.

One moment spectacular,

The next like I’m falling into a bottomless pit.

Falling and falling and falling,

I’ll never reach the bottom,

And I’m in too deep to see the top.

But just a moment ago I felt extraordinary.

What changed?

Why can’t I see the top?

The light?

I want to stop falling. 

I reach and reach and reach,

Grabbing at everything I see around me,

But it just withers to dust.

Withering away and away and away.

What can I do when I start falling?

Everything I do just makes it worse.

I don’t blame you,

It’s not your fault.

It’s mine.

But I don’t know how to fix it.

I’m falling and falling and falling,

And even words themselves cannot express the actual sensation.

I feel everything all at once.

Like a freight train.

Imagining realities that don’t actually exist because I can hardly see the one that does.

What even is this world and why am I the only one stuck in it?

Why can’t I just live like them?

I’m stuck.

Rooted in place.

Tied to the stake.

I’m like a witch at the pyre,

Burning and burning and burning,

And it just won’t end.

Because nothing can end eternal suffering.

But eventually.

I do see the light.

And I crawl my way out the bottomless pit. 

I look down, 

And I can still see it,

I acknowledge that it is there,

But I run so far from it that I think I’ll never see it again.

And yet I do.

And every time I do,

I can never remember what I did to get myself out of it.